I've often considered myself a "mature" human being. And I use the term loosely because anyone who is close to me knows I can be wildly immature at times ;). Having said that, I've often wondered if being the oldest child of divorced parents forced me to have a "more adult" view on life. Although I consider myself to be an "old soul" (if you will), why has it taken me until this point in my life to figure my shit out?
Ok... I admit... not all my "stuff" is figured out... and far from it. But just shy of a week from my 30th birthday, I feel I know who I truly am. I know what I want, what I value, what I feel is worth waiting for, or not. I'm curious... do most people feel this urge to analyze their personal achievements around the age of 30 or is it just another number for most?
Lately I can't help but wonder if I'm living the life I was meant to live. I have never felt so fulfilled as I have recently going back to school. But, if my happiness creates others unhappiness... is it worth it? This may not be a comment that most would admit to, but I realize going back to school full-time has had an impact on my family... some positive (setting a good example for my kids) and others negative (My family sees me less, my husband has to work extra at home, running the kids around, picking up the slack caused by my absence. I'm also working 1/4 of what I used to, which means things are tighter financially). Although I proud of my accomplishments, I wouldn't be human if I didn't admit I felt some guilt for putting myself first. My aunt once told me that guilt is a useless emotion, and I try to remind myself of this.
My balancing act... will I ever really achieve it? My mind takes me to these dark places when my life is unbalanced. This I know for sure. Is it possible for one area to be overflowing with success without jeopardizing other areas of your life? Maybe this is what my thirties will be all about, figuring out exactly how to create a bountiful life in all areas.
I'm reminded of the girl I was the day I turned 20. I had just gone on a date with this really cute guy and I knew he was the one (although I wasn't prepared to admit it just yet). I was preparing to go back to school for esthetics until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. On the outside, I was a bubbly personality, oozing with self confidence, but on the inside, I didn't really know what I wanted from life. I was angry and bitter about the end of my parents' marriage and knew I never wanted that for myself. I had little self respect and was searching for meaning.
A decade later, and that cute guy is my husband. I love him more than I could have ever imagined, although somedays I wonder how we have made it this far... (I'm convinced it's pure stubbornness on both our parts, lol)! I'm amazed that it took me this long to figure out what I want to do with my life, career wise, although grateful that I have figured it out now when I can properly appreciate it. I have learned that time heals most wounds... and though sometimes the lessons still sting, the further removed we are from a situation, the easier it is to reflect back and to see what lessons we were meant to learn. I have no regrets... and if I could go back in my life like in "Mr. Destiny", I think I would make the same choices. Although my life hasn't been perfect, I'm content with the life I have helped to create. I'm positive that I still have important lessons to learn and those lessons won't come easy, but that's life and I'm okay with it.
Confucious said, "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it". Next week a new chapter begins for me, and with it I'm letting go of the things that have been holding me back. Here's to a new decade, a new beginning, new goals... Here's to thirty, baby... I can't wait to see what the next ten years will bring!
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