Her Legacy

As I contemplate the heavens, I have found myself thinking a lot about death. After all, death comes immediately before the heavens... does it not? What will my legacy be? What do I want people to say about me when I'm gone? More importantly, what do I want to teach my children before I leave this planet? Thinking about all of these things can't but help me feel grateful for the life I have been given, or if you prefer...chosen. I live in a place and time in this world where I, as a woman, have the right to choose what religion I want to follow (or not), who I marry if I decide to marry at all, how many children I want to have if any. I also get to choose what kind of person I want to be. A lawyer or doctor were out of the question for women less than 100 years ago, but the sky is the limit now. This post is not meant to be a women's rights rant, merely a way of expressing gratitude for things I often take for granted.

My parents are very different from one another and the lessons they have individually instilled in me have blended to create what drives me. What do my beliefs, lessons and actions say to my children? Are these the things I want them to remember me by?

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husband's Nana's death. This morning I visited her grave for the first time since her burial and as I stood there, I was overcome by sadness. She was an amazing woman, mother, friend and wife, which only makes the pain of her death so much greater for the people she was closest too. Her legacy to her family is one of grace, dignity, respect and love. My husband and I met after my husband's Papa had passed away, but when Nana spoke of her husband, you could feel the love and respect she still had for him. It practically broke my heart every time she spoke of him, which she did often. The one thing that eased my husband's grief when she passed was that it was her belief that she was going to be reunited with him. What a beautiful gift she left for her family and friends.

I can only hope that the memories I leave for my children are as great as the ones she left for hers. The saying, "Live every day like it's your last" has been running through my head. If today was my last day on earth, would I have any regrets? I want my days to be filled with light, and to choose to never have a bad day, to forgive the people that have hurt me, even if I never say the words to them. If I don't have anything nice to say, I want to not say anything at all. I want to smile more, and inspire others to do the same... Or simply: Live. Laugh. Love.

We miss you Nana.

Contemplating the Heavens

What is spirituality? Wikipedia defines it as: The concept of an ultimate or an alleged immaterial reality;^[1] an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his/her being; or the "deepest values and meanings by which people live."^[2] Spiritual practices, including meditation, prayer and contemplation, are intended to develop an individual's inner life. Spiritual experiences can include being connected to a larger reality, yielding a more comprehensive self; joining with other individuals or the human community; with nature or the cosmos; or with the divine realm.^[3] Spirituality is often experienced as a source of inspiration or orientation in life.^[4] It can encompass belief in immaterial realities or experiences of the immanent or transcendent nature of the world.

But what does spirituality mean to me? Even though I am not religious, I consider myself to be a spiritual person... I believe in an energy/higher power that connects us all to each other and nature. Most mainstream religions believe in some variation of this concept. Science has actually proven that our energy extends beyond our physical bodies, whether we are plant or animal. Even atoms of metal and wood have the same energy frequency of human beings. Does practicing meditation or prayer alone make you spiritual? Or does it require intent to connect to a larger reality? By definition, contemplation of spirituality is in itself a spiritual practice. Can "contemplating the heavens" as Gretchen Rubin did in her Happiness Project, evoke spirituality? Gretchen states in her book that "according to the research, yes. Studies show that spiritual people are relatively happier; they're more mentally and physically healthy, deal better with stress, have better marriages and live longer."

Spirituality and spiritual practices have always been interesting to me whether or not I agree or disagree with them. So when my friend began telling me about this incredible book series that changed her thoughts on spirituality, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. Two years later, when she finally lent me the first book, Anastasia in The Ringing Cedar Series, by Vladimir Megre, it just happened to be the month in my happiness project to "contemplate the heavens". (The universe is always working to help me just when I need it)! 17 years ago, while traveling up the Ob River, Megre came to meet a woman named Anastasia living in the Siberian. He describes in detail how he was astounded by her knowledge, power and wisdom. I won't go into details, but I will say this... The book is full of myth-shattering messages that make you wonder, "Can this be true"? Whether or not I believe the words written in the book, one of the underlying messages that stuck with me was to be grateful. One of my commandments in my happiness project is just that... be grateful. I truly believe if you can find something to be grateful for in every situation, it's hard to be negative and unhappy.

Last weekend was Thanksgiving. I love this holiday not only for the turkey and time with family, but because it is a day to truly reflect on all things we are grateful for. This year I am thankful I found inspiration to go back to school; a dream I had been pushing off for years... For my children who are smart, kind and most importantly, healthy... For my husband who supports my dreams and keeps me on my toes... For my family who love me unconditionally and catch me when I fall... The fact that I have a list of friends that are amazing, make me laugh and keep me sane, to name a few.

This month, every morning when I wake up, I will think of all the things I am grateful for that day. Gretchen also used "wasted" time to practice "gratitude meditation". For example, waiting for a train to pass, waiting for a red light, etc. What an awesome idea. I have noticed a huge change in my attitude this year already by focusing on my happiness and gratitude. I'm not perfect by any means and I still have my moments, but I don't dwell on them like I used to. Gretchen also says, "Other people cultivate unhappiness as a way to control others. They cling to unhappiness because without it they'd forgo the special consideration that unhappiness secures: the claim to pity and attention". Life is too short to be one of those people. "In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but the gratefulness that makes us happy". -Albert Clarke

You will be just fine.

Is fulfillment the same as happiness? Can you "find" happiness if you make it a goal? Or is happiness a benefit of pursuing you dreams?

I've spent the past 6 months pursuing happiness... by implementing ideas from the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I have had my ups and downs, and have found ways to inject happiness into my life that I may not have thought of on my own. But nothing so far on this journey has brought me as much joy/happiness/fulfillment as pursuing a dream. In the words of Cinderella, "A dream is a wish your heart makes". Has a wish ever come true and it feels like your heart may burst with happiness?

Anyone who has ever had a conversation with me probably knows that I am OBSESSED with interior design. I have been watching interior design shows on TV since before it was acceptable for a person of my age to be doing so. And if you have read any of my past posts, you will have read how my spare time is consumed with attempting to catch up on all the design shows on my PVR, ripping out inspiring pictures from my hugely increasing magazine collection for my binder (yes that's right... I have a binder). And maybe stalking a few of my favourite interior designers... It's funny how one thing could take over my daily thoughts, and even keep me up at nights occasionally, and it never occurred to me that maybe I should do this for a living. But through the years, encouragement from friends and family, and one amazing workshop finally made me take the leap.

Two weeks ago I began a new chapter in my life. My alarm went off at 6am on (what would turn out to be) a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning. As I quietly tiptoed through the house getting ready for my first day of class, I had a feeling that this was extremely anticlimactic. I'm not sure what I was expecting... balloons and a cheerleading squad somehow felt very appropriate. Even my cat who normally greets me in the morning gave me a look that said, "What the hell are you doing up so early?" I grabbed my laptop and brand new, fully stocked lunch kit (that my rad friend brought over the night before) and headed for the door. My six year old son had just crept out of bed to wish me good luck on my first day. He asked, "Are you nervous, Mom?" and I replied, "Oh bud, I am SOOO nervous". He looked at me for a second and then said, "Don't worry, you will be just fine". My son is a little old man trapped in his body, and he never ceases to amaze me. He was right. I would be just fine. I gave him a huge hug, wiped the tears from my eyes, and drove off to school.

Words cannot express what it has meant to me to be able to pursue a huge dream of mine. So far, the two classes I have attended have brought me so much more joy than I could have ever imagined. To be surrounded by people that are as passionate about design as I am is incredible. For the first time in my life, homework is fun! I completely understand what it means to do what you love, love what you do.

I get really emotional when I think about how lucky I am. Blessed feels like the right word. My life is far from perfect, but I have an amazing support group in my life that makes me feel like my life is perfect in it's imperfection. I may not have had my cheerleading squad to physically send me off... but I felt every single one of your there right with me. To every person that has told me they are happy for me, or they believe in me, or even liked my status updates on Facebook about going back to school... it means everything to me! xoxo

Verbal Assault

The summer is rapidly coming to an end. I wait every year for the (hopefully) 2 months of sun. This summer was the first time we have had the kids home full time in 3 years. Is it bad that I can't wait for school to start again?!? My kids are awesome (most of the time) but they need a break from each other, and us too. The school supplies are bought, new clothes washed and ready to wear. I've even bought my new back to school supplies!

This past month's focus in my Happiness Project was to buy some happiness. Buy needful things. Indulge in a modest splurge. Spend out on the things you have been holding off on. Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Happiness Project said she would use razors until they were extremely dull, toothbrushes till they were yellowed and frayed, save fancy stationary for something special. I love that she writes, "As part of my happiness project I wanted to stop hoarding, to trust in abundance, so that I could use things up, give things away, throw things out. Not only that- I wanted to stop worrying so much about keeping score and profit and loss. I wanted to spend out." For me, the phrase, to trust in abundance, really struck a chord with me.

If you have ever had to watch your pennies, it's hard to let go of the memory. My grandparents were raised by poor immigrant parents. They learned at a very early age to make a dollar stretch and in turn, those lessons were passed to my mom. My mom has worked hard and saved her whole life, which is a good thing, but when I was little, she rarely spent money on herself. About 10 years ago, my mom had asked me to help her organize her garage. She is really bad at letting items go, "Just in case she might need it one day". We were just getting on a roll, tossing the broken containers, getting rid of the stuff she just could not justify keeping, when I went to toss the lid to a large, shallow container we had just put tall bottles of cleaning supplies in. The lid could not possibly fit onto the container anymore. We bickered back and forth about the fate of the container's lid and eventually I was verbally assaulted about how I just throw money away. You have to picture my mother. She is a tiny woman, very gentle, rarely swears and never has a bad thing to say about anyone (unless they really deserve it!). She was so stressed out about the thought of throwing something away that wasn't broken horrified her and she would do anything to make it not happen. What I was trying to do back then, in a way, was to help my mom spend out. If she really needed another container exactly that shape one day, she could go get another one.

I have been holding off on some major "to-dos" for awhile, waiting till it was absolutely necessary. So this month, with my goals in mind, I purchased a laptop that I desperately needed for my back to school. My septic tank is getting pumped this morning. I replaced my broken cordless phone (with a cheap model, but hey! It works). Some of the things have been on the "Tackle the Nagging Task List" for years and boy does it feel good to cross them off!

I was just rereading last month's post and realized I had written about two resolutions for the month. Whoops! A bit of a mix up. I had originally started off with "Make time for friends" for August's agenda, but there were some things I desperately needed to spend out on sooner rather than later. So I switched them up but obviously didn't proofread my post before I published it (and probably confused most of you). So having said that, next month's goal will be to "Make time for friends": Remember birthdays. Be Generous. Show up. Don't gossip. Make three new friends. School for me starts in just 17 days and I'm excited about the idea of welcoming new friends into my life, as well as the challenge of making time for my pals when life if sure to become a crazy zoo. In a good way of course. ;) I am fortunate I have so many wonderful friends in my life and whether I see them often, or even just twice a year, I'm making a point to let each and everyone of them know how much they mean to me. Just knowing I have so many wonderful people to turn to if I need some help, or to share in my joys and achievements means everything to me. Xoxo.

Buy Some Happiness!

I'm half way through my happiness project... It's unbelievable actually. I am constantly amazed at how fast time is moving and I have a feeling life is about figuring out how to move faster (or you get left behind). This month's resolutions in my project are about making time for friends, which is actually a hard task to do in the last few weeks of summer. Everyone seems to be cramming in last minute holidays or trips to the beach with their kids and I am no exception. And because this is the halfway mark, I feel the need to reflect on my entire happiness project as a whole.

Every month, as I begin the next part of the happiness project, I reread the chapter of Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project. Throughout the book, she talks about the importance of her "Resolutions Chart" and  how it kept her accountable to her resolutions. I originally had a chart made up of my resolutions but never followed through. I can totally see why they are so important though, and this month I am going to make a chart so I don't lose sight of my goals. Like my vision board, the chart is a way to keep myself on track. When I think back over all I have achieved in the last 6 months, I'm really proud of myself. Some things have been easier to achieve than other, some goals have pushed me harder than I thought I would (or could) go. I've had some amazing surprises along the way, but all in all, it has helped me get a clearer picture of what is important to me and even more importantly, the things that I thought were important and actually are not. One of the other things that was unexpected, was the "God winks" (as one client referred to them) that have happened along the way. You know... the little things that let you know you are on the right path, or to give you a little boost when you need it most. Most recently, I had applied for a grant for going back to school, thinking that even a little bit to help with textbooks would be great. I received a letter a few days ago and my course is paid for, plus a bit extra that will pay for my textbook and a bit towards my new laptop I bought for back to school. It is an amazing feeling when you know you are on the right path.

So... This month's resolutions are to "Buy Some Happiness: Money". Indulge in a modest splurge. Buy needful things. Spend out. Give something up. Sounds easy! Ha! I've said that before. ;)

Collecting is not hoarding!

It's a week into July and I figured I better get blogging. As they say... Better late than never! 

As a part of my happiness project, July is a month to "Be Serious About Play". In Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project, she writes, "In an irony that didn't escape me, I prepared to work doggedly at fun and be serious about joking around". And so this month, as I prepared to do the same, I was forced to really look at my life and explore what I deem to be fun.

Monthly Resolutions:

Find More Fun. Two years ago during a workshop I unknowingly began a dramatic change in my life. We were asked to write a list of ten things that, if social judgements and money were not an issue, we would do today for fun. I had over 50. Photography, painting, organising... So why wasn't I doing any of these things? Well... money is an issue for most people with small kids, and I was no exception. But nonetheless, a seed was planted. Even though I wasn't able to take action on a lot of things on the list, it was the realization that most of the items on my "fun" list could be combined in interior design. And so the dream of pursuing a career in that field seemed less silly. I always used to say, "I'll do that in my next life". A good friend one day said, "Why not this life?" I still can't believe I'm actually going back to school to do just that in two months.

Take Time to be Silly. Particularly... allow my children to be silly and join in their silliness. As I was writing my last sentence, I looked at my kids building a fort on our deck. I grabbed two big blankets and helped them drape the blankets over some chairs to make a sun shelter. They were thrilled and it took me one minute. It sounds like a pretty basic thing to play with your kids, but mine are amazing at entertaining themselves so I don't usually think to join in. I've always felt it's important for kids to use their imagination and to have independence, but they love it when I make a point to play.

Start A Collection. Gretchen writes, "A collection provides a mission, a reason to visit new places, the excitement of the chase, a field of expertise (no matter how trivial), and, often, a bond with other people. It sounded like so much fun". Growing up, my mom was a pack rat extraordinaire. As an adult, I feared having too much stuff around, so the idea of a collection was frightening. I have realized I will never be the person who collects ladybugs, or chickens in the kitchen, etc. But it is possible to collect without collecting clutter. The last time I collected anything, I was 10 and I collected pictures of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, lol! Time to find a new interest, seriously. Last month, for my birthday, my sister-in-law and fellow design enthusiast, bought me a beautiful coffee table book on interior design and said it could be the beginning of a collection. Done! Now I just need a proper coffee table to display them on!

Go off the Path. Try a new restaurant, a new wine. Read a book that wouldn't normally be one I would choose. Whatever it may be, this month I will "Do different". And who knows? Maybe I will find a new source of fun in an unexpected place.

Summer Camp anyone?

It seems that the summer has decided to hibernate this year. As the rainy days add up, my children are progressively getting crabbier. I know they won't melt in the rain, but I'm not interested in standing out there with them. So... June has been a long month to say the least. School is rapidly coming to an end and I worry that having both kids full time at home this summer may prove to be a challenge at best. Did I hear someone say Summer camp? Lol!

Considering the obstacles I've faced this month, I think I've done reasonably well for my monthly goals of "lightening up". It wasn't until yesterday (after four consecutive days of my children seriously testing my patience) that I finally lost it and the kids were sent to their rooms with a severe reprimanding. Now the only thing I've lost is my voice. Damn. As the month is quickly coming to an end (I feel like I'm saying this every blog entry now) I keep thinking, "How can I make more time for play in my life"?

Next month in my Happiness Project is: Be Serious About Play. I just hope the sun cooperates for the month. We are kicking the first weekend off with what is becoming our annual family camping trip and I'm really looking forward to it. But whatever Mother Nature may bring, I'm determined to make the best of it!