You will be just fine.

Is fulfillment the same as happiness? Can you "find" happiness if you make it a goal? Or is happiness a benefit of pursuing you dreams?

I've spent the past 6 months pursuing happiness... by implementing ideas from the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I have had my ups and downs, and have found ways to inject happiness into my life that I may not have thought of on my own. But nothing so far on this journey has brought me as much joy/happiness/fulfillment as pursuing a dream. In the words of Cinderella, "A dream is a wish your heart makes". Has a wish ever come true and it feels like your heart may burst with happiness?

Anyone who has ever had a conversation with me probably knows that I am OBSESSED with interior design. I have been watching interior design shows on TV since before it was acceptable for a person of my age to be doing so. And if you have read any of my past posts, you will have read how my spare time is consumed with attempting to catch up on all the design shows on my PVR, ripping out inspiring pictures from my hugely increasing magazine collection for my binder (yes that's right... I have a binder). And maybe stalking a few of my favourite interior designers... It's funny how one thing could take over my daily thoughts, and even keep me up at nights occasionally, and it never occurred to me that maybe I should do this for a living. But through the years, encouragement from friends and family, and one amazing workshop finally made me take the leap.

Two weeks ago I began a new chapter in my life. My alarm went off at 6am on (what would turn out to be) a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning. As I quietly tiptoed through the house getting ready for my first day of class, I had a feeling that this was extremely anticlimactic. I'm not sure what I was expecting... balloons and a cheerleading squad somehow felt very appropriate. Even my cat who normally greets me in the morning gave me a look that said, "What the hell are you doing up so early?" I grabbed my laptop and brand new, fully stocked lunch kit (that my rad friend brought over the night before) and headed for the door. My six year old son had just crept out of bed to wish me good luck on my first day. He asked, "Are you nervous, Mom?" and I replied, "Oh bud, I am SOOO nervous". He looked at me for a second and then said, "Don't worry, you will be just fine". My son is a little old man trapped in his body, and he never ceases to amaze me. He was right. I would be just fine. I gave him a huge hug, wiped the tears from my eyes, and drove off to school.

Words cannot express what it has meant to me to be able to pursue a huge dream of mine. So far, the two classes I have attended have brought me so much more joy than I could have ever imagined. To be surrounded by people that are as passionate about design as I am is incredible. For the first time in my life, homework is fun! I completely understand what it means to do what you love, love what you do.

I get really emotional when I think about how lucky I am. Blessed feels like the right word. My life is far from perfect, but I have an amazing support group in my life that makes me feel like my life is perfect in it's imperfection. I may not have had my cheerleading squad to physically send me off... but I felt every single one of your there right with me. To every person that has told me they are happy for me, or they believe in me, or even liked my status updates on Facebook about going back to school... it means everything to me! xoxo

Verbal Assault

The summer is rapidly coming to an end. I wait every year for the (hopefully) 2 months of sun. This summer was the first time we have had the kids home full time in 3 years. Is it bad that I can't wait for school to start again?!? My kids are awesome (most of the time) but they need a break from each other, and us too. The school supplies are bought, new clothes washed and ready to wear. I've even bought my new back to school supplies!

This past month's focus in my Happiness Project was to buy some happiness. Buy needful things. Indulge in a modest splurge. Spend out on the things you have been holding off on. Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Happiness Project said she would use razors until they were extremely dull, toothbrushes till they were yellowed and frayed, save fancy stationary for something special. I love that she writes, "As part of my happiness project I wanted to stop hoarding, to trust in abundance, so that I could use things up, give things away, throw things out. Not only that- I wanted to stop worrying so much about keeping score and profit and loss. I wanted to spend out." For me, the phrase, to trust in abundance, really struck a chord with me.

If you have ever had to watch your pennies, it's hard to let go of the memory. My grandparents were raised by poor immigrant parents. They learned at a very early age to make a dollar stretch and in turn, those lessons were passed to my mom. My mom has worked hard and saved her whole life, which is a good thing, but when I was little, she rarely spent money on herself. About 10 years ago, my mom had asked me to help her organize her garage. She is really bad at letting items go, "Just in case she might need it one day". We were just getting on a roll, tossing the broken containers, getting rid of the stuff she just could not justify keeping, when I went to toss the lid to a large, shallow container we had just put tall bottles of cleaning supplies in. The lid could not possibly fit onto the container anymore. We bickered back and forth about the fate of the container's lid and eventually I was verbally assaulted about how I just throw money away. You have to picture my mother. She is a tiny woman, very gentle, rarely swears and never has a bad thing to say about anyone (unless they really deserve it!). She was so stressed out about the thought of throwing something away that wasn't broken horrified her and she would do anything to make it not happen. What I was trying to do back then, in a way, was to help my mom spend out. If she really needed another container exactly that shape one day, she could go get another one.

I have been holding off on some major "to-dos" for awhile, waiting till it was absolutely necessary. So this month, with my goals in mind, I purchased a laptop that I desperately needed for my back to school. My septic tank is getting pumped this morning. I replaced my broken cordless phone (with a cheap model, but hey! It works). Some of the things have been on the "Tackle the Nagging Task List" for years and boy does it feel good to cross them off!

I was just rereading last month's post and realized I had written about two resolutions for the month. Whoops! A bit of a mix up. I had originally started off with "Make time for friends" for August's agenda, but there were some things I desperately needed to spend out on sooner rather than later. So I switched them up but obviously didn't proofread my post before I published it (and probably confused most of you). So having said that, next month's goal will be to "Make time for friends": Remember birthdays. Be Generous. Show up. Don't gossip. Make three new friends. School for me starts in just 17 days and I'm excited about the idea of welcoming new friends into my life, as well as the challenge of making time for my pals when life if sure to become a crazy zoo. In a good way of course. ;) I am fortunate I have so many wonderful friends in my life and whether I see them often, or even just twice a year, I'm making a point to let each and everyone of them know how much they mean to me. Just knowing I have so many wonderful people to turn to if I need some help, or to share in my joys and achievements means everything to me. Xoxo.

Buy Some Happiness!

I'm half way through my happiness project... It's unbelievable actually. I am constantly amazed at how fast time is moving and I have a feeling life is about figuring out how to move faster (or you get left behind). This month's resolutions in my project are about making time for friends, which is actually a hard task to do in the last few weeks of summer. Everyone seems to be cramming in last minute holidays or trips to the beach with their kids and I am no exception. And because this is the halfway mark, I feel the need to reflect on my entire happiness project as a whole.

Every month, as I begin the next part of the happiness project, I reread the chapter of Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project. Throughout the book, she talks about the importance of her "Resolutions Chart" and  how it kept her accountable to her resolutions. I originally had a chart made up of my resolutions but never followed through. I can totally see why they are so important though, and this month I am going to make a chart so I don't lose sight of my goals. Like my vision board, the chart is a way to keep myself on track. When I think back over all I have achieved in the last 6 months, I'm really proud of myself. Some things have been easier to achieve than other, some goals have pushed me harder than I thought I would (or could) go. I've had some amazing surprises along the way, but all in all, it has helped me get a clearer picture of what is important to me and even more importantly, the things that I thought were important and actually are not. One of the other things that was unexpected, was the "God winks" (as one client referred to them) that have happened along the way. You know... the little things that let you know you are on the right path, or to give you a little boost when you need it most. Most recently, I had applied for a grant for going back to school, thinking that even a little bit to help with textbooks would be great. I received a letter a few days ago and my course is paid for, plus a bit extra that will pay for my textbook and a bit towards my new laptop I bought for back to school. It is an amazing feeling when you know you are on the right path.

So... This month's resolutions are to "Buy Some Happiness: Money". Indulge in a modest splurge. Buy needful things. Spend out. Give something up. Sounds easy! Ha! I've said that before. ;)

Collecting is not hoarding!

It's a week into July and I figured I better get blogging. As they say... Better late than never! 

As a part of my happiness project, July is a month to "Be Serious About Play". In Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project, she writes, "In an irony that didn't escape me, I prepared to work doggedly at fun and be serious about joking around". And so this month, as I prepared to do the same, I was forced to really look at my life and explore what I deem to be fun.

Monthly Resolutions:

Find More Fun. Two years ago during a workshop I unknowingly began a dramatic change in my life. We were asked to write a list of ten things that, if social judgements and money were not an issue, we would do today for fun. I had over 50. Photography, painting, organising... So why wasn't I doing any of these things? Well... money is an issue for most people with small kids, and I was no exception. But nonetheless, a seed was planted. Even though I wasn't able to take action on a lot of things on the list, it was the realization that most of the items on my "fun" list could be combined in interior design. And so the dream of pursuing a career in that field seemed less silly. I always used to say, "I'll do that in my next life". A good friend one day said, "Why not this life?" I still can't believe I'm actually going back to school to do just that in two months.

Take Time to be Silly. Particularly... allow my children to be silly and join in their silliness. As I was writing my last sentence, I looked at my kids building a fort on our deck. I grabbed two big blankets and helped them drape the blankets over some chairs to make a sun shelter. They were thrilled and it took me one minute. It sounds like a pretty basic thing to play with your kids, but mine are amazing at entertaining themselves so I don't usually think to join in. I've always felt it's important for kids to use their imagination and to have independence, but they love it when I make a point to play.

Start A Collection. Gretchen writes, "A collection provides a mission, a reason to visit new places, the excitement of the chase, a field of expertise (no matter how trivial), and, often, a bond with other people. It sounded like so much fun". Growing up, my mom was a pack rat extraordinaire. As an adult, I feared having too much stuff around, so the idea of a collection was frightening. I have realized I will never be the person who collects ladybugs, or chickens in the kitchen, etc. But it is possible to collect without collecting clutter. The last time I collected anything, I was 10 and I collected pictures of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, lol! Time to find a new interest, seriously. Last month, for my birthday, my sister-in-law and fellow design enthusiast, bought me a beautiful coffee table book on interior design and said it could be the beginning of a collection. Done! Now I just need a proper coffee table to display them on!

Go off the Path. Try a new restaurant, a new wine. Read a book that wouldn't normally be one I would choose. Whatever it may be, this month I will "Do different". And who knows? Maybe I will find a new source of fun in an unexpected place.

Summer Camp anyone?

It seems that the summer has decided to hibernate this year. As the rainy days add up, my children are progressively getting crabbier. I know they won't melt in the rain, but I'm not interested in standing out there with them. So... June has been a long month to say the least. School is rapidly coming to an end and I worry that having both kids full time at home this summer may prove to be a challenge at best. Did I hear someone say Summer camp? Lol!

Considering the obstacles I've faced this month, I think I've done reasonably well for my monthly goals of "lightening up". It wasn't until yesterday (after four consecutive days of my children seriously testing my patience) that I finally lost it and the kids were sent to their rooms with a severe reprimanding. Now the only thing I've lost is my voice. Damn. As the month is quickly coming to an end (I feel like I'm saying this every blog entry now) I keep thinking, "How can I make more time for play in my life"?

Next month in my Happiness Project is: Be Serious About Play. I just hope the sun cooperates for the month. We are kicking the first weekend off with what is becoming our annual family camping trip and I'm really looking forward to it. But whatever Mother Nature may bring, I'm determined to make the best of it!

Life needs a bit more "Silly"

I just had the most amazing thing happen... I woke up at 9am, when my body felt it was time to get up (and not to the noise of an alarm or to the sound of my children physically abusing each other)! It can only mean one thing... Weekend Getaway!!! That's right... My husband surprised me last night and whisked me off for my early birthday present, and I am serious when I say: sleeping in is the best present a parent of young children could ever receive.

It is the fourth month in my Happiness Project and June's focus is Lighten up: Parenthood. And I couldn't think of a better time to reflect on the way I interact with my kids than when I have a few days away from them, lol!

-Acknowledge the reality of people's feelings.

I took this one right out of The Happiness Project. I have only read one parenting book in my life and it was at a time when I was willing to do ANYTHING to get my then 11 month old son to sleep through the night. He was waking up 4 to 5 times per night, every night, and I was on the verge of crazy. Who am I kidding... I was full on crazy. It's not that I don't think reading books on parenting aren't a really great idea... I really have tried to read a couple others but I just can't seem to get through them. So when Gretchen Rubin talks about this specific parenting strategy that she read (in her opinion, the greatest parenting book ever), I thought, "I could do that"! She sums it up by saying don't deny feelings such as anger, irritation, fear or reluctance; instead, articulate the feeling and the other person's point of view. It really does sound easy, but she goes on to say how it really is a hard habit to break. I think of all the times I do the exact opposite. Like when my daughter whines that she is too tired to walk anymore, her legs hurt (and we have been walking for only a few short minutes) we say, "You are NOT too tired, you silly monkey. Come on, let's keep going". Instead, (and I will admit it sounds like psychiatrist talk) we should say, "You want to stop walking. Your legs hurt and you are tired". She also gives a few simple strategies to show her children that she acknowledges their feelings.

Write it down. "I'm going to write that down. Aidan doesn't like wearing these pants!" And I'm going to have to do it without a sarcastic tone in my voice. Dylan: This means you too!!!

Don't feel as if I need to say anything. Sometimes a cuddle will cure the problem without saying a word.

Wave a magic wand. "If I had a magic wand I would make it stop raining so you wouldn't have to wear a coat to school."

Admit that a task is difficult. Gretchen writes. "Studies show that people tend to persevere longer with problems they've been told are difficult as opposed to easy. I'd been doing the exact opposite with Eleanor (her 7 year old daughter). Thinking I was being encouraging, I'd say 'It's not tough to pull off your socks, just give it a try.' I switched to saying things such as 'Socks can be tough to get off. Sometimes it helps to push down the back part over your ankle, instead of pulling off the toe."

The last one is going to be particularly effective with Aidan, my 6 year old son, who is an absolute perfectionist (I have no idea where he gets that from, lol!). All he wants in life is to be treated like a grown up, which is kind of sad. We have been saying his entire life that he is a little old man trapped in a kid's body. He doesn't want to think that he can't do something especially if it's supposed to be an easy task. But if i tell him it's hard, he won't feel silly if he struggles to complete a task.

-Be a treasure house of happy memories. 

Our family is young, but my husband have both realized the importance of traditions. We have carried on some traditions from our own childhood, and have also created new traditions. For example, when Aidan was a baby, I took him to Hallmark before Christmas so he could pick out an ornament. Ok... he was 10 months old, I held him up to the one I wanted him to pick... but every year, I take my kids to Hallmark so they can pick out their ornament. And when we get our tree, They hang them in order from their first Christmas to the most recent. I think I look forward to it more than they do. When I was young, every pay day, my mom would take my sister and I out for Chinese food and then we would go bowling. I forgot how much I loved doing that, so we are going to start family date night with our kids and hopefully, when they are grown, they will have those special memories like I did.

I'm going to leave it at that. Two "simple" resolutions for this month. I've been given some new strategies to deal with the temper tantrums. And going back to one of my original "Commandments" I set for myself at the beginning of my happiness project, Let it go. After all, it won't be long before they are all grown up. Life needs a bit more "silly".


PS. The parenting books that Gretchen refers to are Siblings without Rivalry and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. :)

Bring it on!

In two weeks time I will be celebrating my 29th birthday. Birthdays have always been a big deal for me. It's not only the attention loving Gemini in me that loves a day when I am celebrated (lol!) but it signifies a brand new year, full of new goals. A sort of personal New Years. I can't help but feel that this year is one of great importance. So often the 30th birthday is regarded as the next big milestone, but the 29th is the completion of our 29th year and the beginning of the 30th year of our lives.

I had a thought this morning as I was going for my run. (It seems running has really become my time for meditation). A life has a lot of similarities to a pregnancy. If you look at a life spanning 90 years, it can be divided into 3 sections (or trimesters), each 30 years. The first 30 years of most people's lives are spent jumping hurdles, learning to talk, walk, going to school, figuring out what we want to do for a living, finding our life partner, having kids, etc. The same goes for a pregnancy... The morning sickness, figuring out what foods you can and cannot bear to eat, studying the right side to sleep on, how much caffeine you can safely consume, lol!

As I'm heading out of the first trimester of life, I feel as if all of the things I have learned, and worked hard to achieve can finally be enjoyed. I have a greater sense of who I am than I ever have before. I know what makes me tick, I have an amazing family and group of friends, and I am grateful that I am surrounded by so many amazingly supportive people in my life. I am finally going back to school this fall!!! It is actually happening! There are so many things to be grateful for in my life.

Creating my vision board was the start. I have found so much inspiration that has come in the form of new people in my life, great advice from friends and stumbling across quotes that have given me the drive to say, "What are you waiting for?". It's no coincidence that I've been saying for years that I can't wait for my 30's. Deep down I've always known that this year is going to be the start of so many wonderful things!

As I head into my "2nd trimester", I am feeling renewed, charged up, ready for the new joys life will bring me. Like in a pregnancy, when you finally feel your baby's kicks for the first time, I feel I have so much to look forward to... with my friends and family with my every step of the way. :)